On the Horror of Loss.
When I was a Midshipman, I was faced with one of the most horrific things any engineer may come across at sea. And when I say “horrific”, I’m not talking about the loss of life, but the potential for it. We had been retrograding an engine room and shipboard berthing for the USNS Tanner (T-AGS-40) as a replacement for our training vessel for our college, Maine Maritime Academy. I was the student on engine room watch as we transited through the night from our shipyard in Norfolk to the college campus in Castine to pick up the rest of the student body. We had been operating with a skeleton crew of Seniors and recent Grads for the past several months.
That evening, the newly installed Diesel engine decided that it was time to become a runaway engine. For the uninitiated, a Diesel Engine Runaway occurs when an unintended fuel source somehow makes it into the engine compartment of the engine. This results in the engine beginning to ramp up speed and eventually self-destruct in a most spectacular fashion. Mind you, this is no small engine. It is a V16 diesel which towered over my 6’1” frame. The Tanner already had a reputation of catastrophic engine failure, what was one more crew ?
Fortunately, we were able to wake the installer who was still on board, and inform the Chief Engineer what was going down before the system took the engine room and (worse case) the ship with it. But, it was the loss of control that struck me as the horrific event. Sure, we could have stopped the fuel flow had we correctly identified where the extra fuel came from (incidentally, we lost a retaining screw on the injector rod…that was the culprit), or killed the exhaust to stall the engine (maybe). The emphasis to reduce the horror..the fear…of loss was to regain control.
From a systemic view, this is much like an exorcism of sorts. For is not the body the vessel which moves the spirit ? And with the spirit corrupted , does not the horror encompass us that someone has lost control of their body through a malignant force ?
Depending on where you stand on your belief in the Christian Bible, the rite of Exorcism is pointed out in several chapters. Acts 16:18 states
…. Paul, being grieved, turned and said to the spirit, I command thee in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her. And he came out the same hour…
Cool. I wish I had that verse in my head when I was watching the million dollar engine go crazy. Probably wouldn’t done much but give me comfort. Then again, we watch horror movies such as the Exorcist, the Exorcism of Emily Rose, Amityville Horror, and Poltergeist. The horror of the loss of control over self, our loved ones and watching them in pain is what gives us pause.
Five Miles Downrange:
Loss seems to be the theme of the week.
It is horrific to see family members or friends die knowing that you could have been closer, maybe eased their worries or assured them that they were in your prayers.
It is horrific to watch as people you care about refuse to take care of their own selves, not for the want of the resources, but from huberis or just self neglect through stubbornness of personality.
It is horrific to see decorated soldiers, replete with their own demons that they struggle with, take their own lives in front of their own loved ones.
If you need help, seek it. Not all of are equipped mentally or physically to help…but help is out there. Loss of control needs not to happen, but if it does, there’s always an engineer in the wings.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline : 1-800-273-8255
